Just another ship in the night

When you are in a foreign country for just a few months, it is hard to actually create and have true friendships. To the locals, you're just one of the many expatriates who will come and go.

YOU would think that having travelled for work and pleasure most of my life, I would be prepared. But there is a vast difference between the former and living among its people.

Your patience and faith are sorely tested, and you learn that being open and friendly does not mean they will be reciprocated. Being a Pollyanna is also detrimental to one's health!

You would think a similar language and culture, and the fact that the Internet has muddied our boundaries, that two countries can actually find some kinship with each other.

But no. Isolation, befuddlement and exasperation can become friends as you persist in getting to know your new friends.

In the company of strangers, you realise that you are truly alone.

When you are in a country for just a few months, it would be hard to actually create and have true friendships.

You're just another ship in the night to the locals. The social network has been established, lines are drawn.

You keep your head down, and do what you're here to do: observe.

Oddly enough, where I was, it was the expatriate anthropologists and professionals (Malaysians and Westerners) who were welcoming and provided comfort.

I have always believed that to understand a people, one must befriend the nationals.

But it was the expats who gave me books, pointed leads to me and introduced me to places and people that I needed to be in touch with and visit.

It was they who rescued me from pickles and confirmed that while stereotyping was racist, it too can be true of a people.

Reading up on a country is not enough. One thing the Internet misses out when advising on living abroad is understanding the local custom's social structure and ideas of personal space.

It may sound very kiasu, but you need to know what a community's social hierarchy is like and what gets them moving.

Who's the alpha family or personality of a community? How does his or her influence extend out of his immediate circle? And within the community, how powerful is he or she?

Homesickness can be allayed via technology. Thank heavens for Facetime, Skype, e-mail, Blackberry Messenger and WhatsApp. Hearing familiar voices and seeing faces of family and friends help a lot.

And how ironic it is that it's the Internet that brings you closer to loved ones, while the information you gleaned about your host country is not the reality you wanted it to be.

But living away from home does mature you somewhat.

No matter how modern or backward a country is, the experience will toughen you and somehow force you to see the beauty of a country, however taxing it is on your nerves.

Call it the Pollyanna syndrome, but trying to find some solace in the cultural assault you face helps. Sometimes.

And yes, it is by immersing one's self in the local customs, no matter how unjust it is, and no matter how many human rights they have gone against, that one learns of a country and her people.

Even when the quirks and charm have worn off, amusing anecdotes of the foreign country you're in have petered out, it is by this observation that you discover yourself and your host.

I wouldn't suggest an "Eat, Pray, Love" tour of a country. Much as I enjoyed Elizabeth Gilbert's book (up to a point), learning about a country is not about a search for love and navel-gazing.

We all move to other countries for various reasons and it is up to us to realise what to make of our experiences.

I'll have to say this: I don't want to see another tempe in my life unless it's absolutely necessary.

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