Relationship checklist

Before you fall head over heels in love, it might help to stand back and do a reality check.

DATING can be a long drawn-out affair that fizzles into nothing, leaving you thinking, "Did I really spend the last six months with someone who is such a slob at home, doesn't share my political views, doesn't want to have children, watches too much TV, doesn't have any savings, and doesn't like pets?"

When it comes to relationships, there are so many things that are potential deal breakers.

Doesn't it make sense, then, to have a checklist that prospective partners need to fill out immediately, so no one wastes their valuable hunting time? The minute your eyes lock across a crowded bar, you shouldn't be thinking, "Oh, he looks cute. I wonder if my hair's okay." Instead, you should be thinking, "Oh, he looks cute. I wonder if he puts the toilet seat down and is considerate enough not to leave strings of used dental floss draped over the side of the sink."

"But that's so unromantic," I can hear some of you saying right about now. And I agree, it is a tad cold and clinical. But wouldn't you rather get the paperwork out of the way, so that you can enjoy yourself with someone who ticks all or most of the right boxes?

Not that you're looking for perfection, mind you. You just want to make sure that you and your potential partner are both on the same page when it comes to the things that are important to you and the attributes that you desire in a long-term partner. Of course, if you are looking for a fling, it really doesn't matter what your partner's views are on recycling, or the number of children she wants, or how the household chores should be apportioned.

Alternatively, when you meet someone with potential, you can let your hormones get the better of you and allow yourself to fall in love, even when that person might be totally unsuitable. If you don't ask the right questions beforehand, and if you're, say, a neat freak, the first time you notice his socks carelessly discarded on the bedroom floor, possibly after a night of passion, you might be so enamoured by everything he does that you pick up the offending items on his behalf and give them a loving sniff before tossing them into the laundry basket. Assuming, of course, that he has a laundry basket.

A little voice in your head might be saying, "Walk away now! He is the devil's spawn. Nothing but evil will come out of this union!" But you will choose to ignore it, because he's cute, and because you're convinced you can change him. Fast-forward to a few years later, after you've set up house together, and you'll probably find yourself nagging him about his untidiness as soon as he walks through the front door at the end of the day or silently seething every time he so much as drops a biscuit crumb on your shaggy rug.

I once dated a guy who was bipolar, except he omitted to tell me. There was also the fact that he didn't take his meds as often as he should have. My funny, upbeat, energetic man crashed and burned about three weeks into our relationship. He became dark and morose and I could feel myself being dragged down by him. I didn't know what was going on with him, until he announced one day, "I need to go into my cave for a while."

"Cave? What cave is this?" I asked.

"Sometimes, I need to cut off from people for a little while. It's something you need to know about me."

"How often is sometimes?" I asked.

"Maybe once a month or so for a few days."

Then I didn't hear from him for almost a week. During that time, I convinced myself that it would be unkind to dump someone just because of a medical condition.

The next time it happened though, I questioned him about his medication.

"I don't like taking it because it dulls my emotions," he said.

And the next time it happened, I began to question my ability to cope long-term with someone who has to retreat into his cave when life becomes unbearable.

In the end, he terminated the relationship because, as it transpired, he was commitment-phobic. Like, I didn't see that one coming, either. I was almost glad when it was over. I don't have a problem with someone being bipolar, but I do have a problem with someone being so selfish that they only consider themselves.

I'm not seriously suggesting that you whip out a checklist every time you meet someone you're attracted to, but surely it makes sense to cover the important issues before you get too deeply involved with them.

And if socks on the bedroom floor prove to be a deal breaker, you might need to target men who don't wear socks.

But then again, that's not a good look with long pants.

Check out Mary on Facebook at facebook.com/mary.schneider.writer. Reader response can be directed to star2@thestar.com.my.

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