Bangsa Contradictions (continued)

by shuzheng

The Short Happy Life of Haris MacFirst* (2)

Emerging politician (‘emerging’ as in emerging economies) Haris Ibrahim has quickly learned politics in doublespeak. Like his former idol Anwar Ibrahim, now set to “implode” (according to buddy Petra), Haris has this proclivity for speaking in forked-tongues.

With Hannah ‘Miracle’ Yeoh under his patronage, Haris literally salivates over her:

What you have here is a young party member who … because of her strong academic qualification, strong religious convictions … her principled position and her ability … was soon noticed … as excellent candidate material.

Hannah Material: excellent … principled … convictions … academic … strong … young. Wow! (As his Bangsa buddy KTemoc likes saying). Imagine now Miracle Yeoh fluttering in the wind on wings of angels. Wow! Wow! (This is equal to Thomas Lee, another of those Bangsa types, describing Caliph Lim Guan Eng as, “luminous”.)

Haris on a podium:

Romans! We, the People, have found us a Saint! Allahuakhbar! (That’s to be Malaysian First.)

Within 24 hours of patronizing Hannah, Haris writes this: Steering Clear of the Politics of Patronage

Haris isn’t alone as patron. Even Allah does it, according to Azizah, secretly, telling nobody: Allah has been Anwar’s patron. Not true? Read this, for it’s been revealed: Anwar is god’s gift to human kind.

Interesting parallel: Hannah is a Jesus gift, Anwar is Allah’s gift to Malaysia. This country is belly full of saints, miracles, patrons, prophets, patriots, sodomites – all ‘excellent’ material.

Of course, Hannah isn’t the first to come under Haris’s patronage. Think Izzah (psst… Haris has a crush). They call her the Princess of Politics, or something or other. She has gotten where she is today not siting on the papa’s lap – it belongs to Haris’s ex-idol – but by the Haris standards: ‘excellent, principled, convictions, academic, strong, young – a material.’

These Bangsa types … Aiya!

Or, if you’d prefer the exclamation, Holy Cow!

What’s matter with Haris? Why has he this political penchant for ‘young, excellent, strong’ women?

Superlatives, superlatives, superlatives.

‘Miracle’ Yeoh discloses: in saints per capita Malaysia sets a new record.

Haris convulsing over Hannah could be a mock interview, rehearsing to select his 20 Merry Men. Now, inside the interview room it is overhead:

Teresa Kok! Wake up! How old are you?

Teresa: Aaah… aaah….

Haris MacFirst: You wait outside, OK? You don’t call us. We call you.

Eli Wong, you next. Wake up!

Haris MacFirst: You ta’u cakap Bangsa ke? You what religion? Ada Oxbitch certificate? You ada kuat? Apa principles you ada?

Eli: Jangan macam tu. You and I friend, friend long time. Tolong la… bagi chance sikit ‘bang.

Haris MacFirst (leans over to Jaya and whispers): What you think? She okay? Material strong enough?

Haris MacFirst (whispers to Eyes Wide Open): Hey, boy, go get me satu Guinness. I want black, strong, very strong, and not so old. You got a fag?

Gasp… gasp…

NB: *Borrows from Hemingway’s The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber.